kosong yang belum dapat diisi

Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside
You will never measure up, to those people you
Must be strong, can’t show them that you’re weak
Have you ever told someone something that’s far from the truth
Let them know that you’re okay
Just to make them stop
All the wondering, and questions they may have

“I’m okay, I really am now
Just needed sometime to figure things out
Not telling lies, I’ll be honest with you
Still we don’t know what’s yet to come”

Have you ever seen your face, in a mirror there’s a smile
But inside you’re just a mess, you feel far from good
Need to hide, ‘cos they’d never understand
Have you ever had this wish, of being somewhere else
To let go of your disguise, all your worries too
And from that moment, then you see things clear

“I’m okay…”

[Disguise by Lene Marlin]

***

Ada rasa kosong yang tak bisa gw jelaskan. Seperti ada lubang yang menganga di sini, di dalam hati ini.

Tak ada penjelasan lagi.

***

Seringkali gw terpaku lama -mungkin terlalu lama- di hadapan lubang itu. Beberapa kali gw berusaha menutup lubang itu, tetapi mulut lubang itu tetap saja ada. Tak jua gw temukan sesuatu yang dapat menutupnya, dengan pas.

***

Bandung, akhir November 2009

Pencarian akan penutup lubang sudah berakhir. Gw menyadari sesuatu. Manusia takkan pernah bisa mendapatkan sesuatu yang memang belum ditakdirkan untuk mereka.

Jika memang lubang itu belum ada penutupnya, biarlah lubang itu tetap menganga. Tak perlu mencari-cari cara agar lubang itu tampak tak ada.

Kosong yang belum bisa diisi, biarlah begitu apa adanya.

Jangan terpaku di sana, jangan terhenti di sana. Tinggalkan ia yang memang belum bisa diubah. Jangan korbankan hal lain, jangan buat lubang yang lain.

***

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